Daily Diary · Personal

Appetite, gone wrong

I am the type of person who loves to eat. (I mean, who doesn’t love that?)  It’s not about going to a new place but it would be a bonus though to try something new and visit new restaurants. I love to do that, by the way. However, as long I know that I will be eating something I’ll be looking forward to that. I eat a lot… like a looooot!

During my high school years, I was one of the chubby girls and way back I considered myself as a loser for not being pretty, sexy, and be just like those famous girls down the hallway. (Yes, I had that mindset as early as 14 yo, if I’m not mistaken with the age) I was already the insecure type. Those were the days that I had those chubby cheeks and enormous shoulders.. I was one of the girls who doesn’t put any make up on because daddy was so strict with the no make up policy. And by strict, I mean really, really, really, reeeeeeeeally, strict. I don’t know how to exaggerate how strict he was, but hey, I thank him for that though. I became the person who I am today.

Fast forward to my early college years — I gained a lot more. My cheecks went to chubbier to chubbiest, and not to mention the belly I had. It was the time that aside of not having control of my food intake, I started drinking booze that contributed like 40% of my bloated tummy. For me, it was the worst! I don’t know how to control myself anymore. I had left and right sesh like …. e v e r y d a y!!
Came my senior year, when I started watching those VS Fashin Show, that actually helped me (a lot!!! Thanks Miranda Kerr!!) motivate my self in losing weight. I still have those night sesh, but I also squeeze in some sit ups (secretly, haha!) at least four times a week. Although, I actually didn’t lose that much. Hey don’t judge, at least I tried. I know that it was not enough, of course but looking at the bright side, I tried. Tehee!
Since I got extended during my senior year, I decided to work since I had a lot of spare time while waiting and at the same time finishing my thesis paper. This time, I got more conscious about my body. I got fed up hearing “Ang taba mo na!” phrase. So before I start working, I pushed myself to jog everyday, and do some abs routine every morning. I became mindful as to what I ate and my job actually helped me a lot because I was too tired to go out, I was able to cut my drinking habits. I also scanned blogs and Youtube videos about basic routine to lose weight that I can do, and try to squeeze in to my hectic and stressful schedule since I had to balance work and school at the same time.
Late 2013, when I finally saw the changes in my body. I actually did not measure my body since I didn’t expect that I will be so serious about it. I noticed the changes, when I dare to wear bikinis. Ooh bikinis! The good thing was lot of people noticed it too. (Proven! Success!!) I remember when I said, I will never wear any of those but then I ate what I said. No regrets, though.
It’s been two years now and I still do those basic routines. (Sometimes haha!) I even tried to hit the gym from time to time so that I can at least maintain my body (chos!). I heard people say that I lose weight. I gave myself a big tap on the back and whispered, good job! *wink wink*
However, this time the thought of losing too much weight was not a good idea. I think  I became anorexic — or even worst. In my case though, it’s kinda different. I don’t skip meals because I’m afraid of gaining weight. I skip meals because I don’t feel like eating. I’m always full. I’m always bloated. It worries and saddens me at the same time because, 1. I can already see my bones through my hands and I feel like I’m a merman. (Gross!) 2. I can already clasp my arm with one hand 3. My shorts are too loose for me to wear. 4 because Kim (my beau) says so. No matter how hard I try to eat, I feel like throwing up (even  eating my favorite foods) because I’m too full to eat. It felt so weird not enjoying the thing I love to do. By the way, I don’t know if this is anorexic, or what.

To cure this inexplicable situation, I started waking up early, so that I can grab something for breakfast. I kinda use the whole morning to sleep that’s why I can’t eat breakfast and have brunch instead and that would be my whole meal the entire day. So little by little, I’m starting to eat some foods, and sometimes I actually force myself to eat even half of half rice. For now this is the remedy I can think since I’m too old for Tiki-tiki. Haha!

Wish me luck!


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